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The Hills Recap: One Last Chance

As usual, THG's recap of The Hills will consist of us grading last night's episode, awarding or deducting points for the best and worst moments.

Scandalously, Holly Montag moved in with Lauren Conrad and Lo Bosworth, resulting in some choice remarks from Team Speidi. Whitney kept in touch with Jay, and Audrina (for the 394th straight week) pondered her future with Justin-Bobby.

On to the rankings! Chime in with your own!

Holly Montag moving in with Lauren Conrad when there are 10 trillion sublet options in L.A. seems absurdly fake, but Minus only 2 because it's not that big a stretch to believe LC would extend Holly the offer to passive-aggressively stick it to Heidi.

In Venice, Justin-Bobby philosophizes that there is something "Zen-ful" about the beach. Holy hell, this guy must smoke SO much weed. Plus 9.

Spencer leaves to "go enjoy life." Minus 3, because we all know he only enjoys life when wreaking havoc on The Hills or staging photo shoots.

No Brody Jenner again. This is disappointing to us, because we have a slight crush on Brody, but then again the man has been traveling with Jayde Nicole. We wouldn't be on The Hills either if that were the alternative. Plus 3.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge laugh about how they "attract trouble" when they go out. Minus 5, because it's not that noteworthy - they get paid to, and a decent amount of said trouble is manufactured or at least embellished by MTV.

Casey Patridge calls out Justin-Bobby for his crap and Audrina for her excuses. Plus 3 for Casey's honesty, but Minus 5 because Audrina obviously doesn't listen, and Minus another 1 for Casey's tats. A little too much tramp stampage for us.

LC says of Spencer, "He drives away everyone that cares about her." Yes. Yes he does. So astute on her part, and so entertaining on his. Plus 4.

Sam Nazarian simply "doesn't get" the Spencer thing. He's not alone. Plus 2.

Spencer Pratt is happy Heidi will be back at work and not "moping around" at home anymore. Plus 3, because he wants that lifestyle all to himself.

Justin-Bobby gives Audrina a t-shirt as a present, then adds, "No bras with that thing, thank you." Wow. Minus 7, because not only is J-Bobby the biggest d!ck ever, but with those fake boobs, Audzo doesn't need bras for ANY outfit!

Plus 10 for the whole "stalker mom" exchange. Follow the link to peep the video of this segment if you missed, it's vintage Speidi.

TOTAL: +11. Pretty entertaining all around. Leave a comment with your own!

Audrina Patridge’s big breasts are really disproportionate to the rest of her skinny body

Audrina Patridge should gain some weight to avoid looking ridiculous like this - a very skinny body with big fake boobs attached to it!

I’m still wondering if I should include her in the “too skinny” category or not (just yet)… What do you think?

MTV Reality TV star Audrina Patridge, in a tight, low cut top, is spotted arriving with a friend at Magnolia Cafe on Sunset Boulevard this afternoon. (Thursday, November 6, 2008)

Photo credit: Pacific Coast News

The Hills Recap: It’s Her Move

As usual, THG's recap of The Hills will consist of us grading last night's episode, awarding (or deducting) points for the best and worst moments.

This week, Audrina Patridge decides to move to her own place, where she hopes she'll be able to rekindle the passion with Justin-Bobby. Yes, really. LC is sad to see her go. Lo? Not as much. Elsewhere, Heidi Montag drinks on the job and gets fired.

On to the rankings!

LC worried how Audrina's move would affect their relationship: “It was just so quick. It was literally like, ‘By the way, I’m going to move like right now.’ She’ll always be my friend. We’ll see, though.” Yup, typical LC. Plus 3.

“It’s not the end of the story,” Lauren Conrad reiterated later. “It’s just to be continued.” The writers feeding her these lines need to be fired. Minus 2.

Audrina's sister, Casey Patridge, is like a regular Kat Von D! Plus 3.

Justin-Bobby has never been one to open up. Or speak in complete sentences.

Audrina sort of asks Justin-Bobby to move in with this pathetic line: “I don’t know if I want to live by myself. Would you want to move in? Maybe?” His reply: “You know, just let it happen. We’ll see what happens.” Wow on both. Even.

You know Lo is totally excited that Audrina's moving out. Plus 7.

No mention of how she affords this ridiculous place - by being a psuedo-celebrity - which goes for pretty much everything and everyone on The Hills. Minus 4.

Whitney Port gives us an absolutely tremendous o-face. As in O-MG! Plus 1.

Sam Nazarian, looking for his partner Brent Bolthouse at the restaurant opening, asked a clearly intoxicated Heidi if she knew where he was and “if she was still working.” She shot back, “Are you?” Holy crap, what a moron. Minus 5.

Always helpful, Spencer asked Sam if he wanted a shot. [Crickets] Plus 3.

Obligatory Minus 4 for the bonus four minutes of ads. Boo, MTV. Boo.

TOTAL: +2. We've kept it short this time so you can add your own if you like. Comment below and we'll adjust the total score as your thoughts pour in!

The Hills: A Halloween Fashion Face-Off!

Friday night was Halloween and The Hills' Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad and Lauren Bosworth (a.k.a. Lo) all got decked out in various costumes to celebrate.

You have to give Audrina Patridge credit (that's the only sexy peacock we've ever seen), but LC and Lo also rocked some interesting, semi-elaborate getups.

Click to enlarge for a better look. Then tell us ...

Which star of The Hills has the best costume?

The Hills Recap: I Want You To Be With Me

As usual, THG's recap of The Hills will consist of us grading last night's episode, awarding (or deducting) points for the best and worst moments.

This week, Audrina Patridge is still torn between Corey Bohan and that loser Justin-Bobby, and whining about it 24-7, while Stephanie Pratt's new boyfriend Cameron decides to stand up to Brody Jenner ... then later backs off of course.

On to the rankings!

As noted in the sneak preview we posted yesterday, Chiara is clearly annoyed with Audrina's wishy-washy whining about Justin-Bobby. Plus 5.

Minus 2 for a couple naming their daughter Chiara.

Corey Bohan is no fool. When Audrina mentions that Justin-Bobby went on the Cabo trip, he's instantly skeptical. Audrina says "Lauren and I shared a room," and he replies "Sure you did." Plus 3 for honesty. And Plus 3 more for the accent.

Justin-Bobby Brescia & Audrina Patridge in an emotional, mumbled heart-to-heart.

Brody Jenner continues his hatred of Stephanie for reasons unknown. “Please god, let Cameron say something to me," he says. Typical guys. When they go to the club, they set out to either get laid or get into a fight. Either works. Plus 5.

Despite talking a good game, Cameron ends up saying nothing to Brody. What a [insert female body part of choice here]. Minus 3.

Brandy is recording in the studio where Audrina works. This prompts Audrina to inquire about her brother Ray J and the infamous Kim Kardashian sex tape. We're obviously making the second part up, but Brandy's mere presence at Epic Records inspired us to imagine that scenario, which amuses us to no end. Plus 15.

Did the producers write Lo out of the series, or is she just too boring to warrant screen time? Minus 1. Or Plus 1. We can't decide if this is good or bad.

MTV actually airs The Hills from 10-10:34 to squeeze in four extra minutes of ads. To those without recording capabilities, this is raw pain. Minus 6.

Justin-Bobby delivers the ultimate reassuring line: "I will pretty much be there for you." Pretty much. Now that's compelling. Plus 10, because for all his douchebag qualities, Justin-Bobby is consistent at least. He's not gonna blatantly lie, just cryptically lead Audrina on and let her take the bait. Diabolical.

We can't believe we're saying this, but we're sort of missing Spencer Pratt. The puppet master's passive-aggressive comments are always a highlight, even if you want to hurl the remote at the screen. Too few Spencer scenes this week. Minus 2.

This is kind of a side note, but Lauren Conrad is reported to be hanging out with Kyle Howard (of My Boys) quite a bit, yet we haven't seen photos of this or heard any references to her new man on The Hills. What gives? Minus 3.

Defending her decision to dump Corey, Audrina tells Chiara that "Justin wouldn't say those things to me unless he really meant it." Right. Guys have never exaggerated any feelings in order to get in girls' pants. Not once. Minus 12.

TOTAL: +13. Once you lower your expectations of Audrina Patridge and just accept the show for the entertainment it provides, The Hills never disappoints.

The Hills Preview: Defending Justin-Bobby

Perhaps trying to convince herself as much as anyone else, Audrina Patridge still feels the need to defend loser boyfriend Justin-Bobby to her friends.

In this sneak preview of tonight's Hills episode (watch below), Patridge is seen talking to oddly-named coworker Chiara (at the Epic Records offices) about the events that went down when Justin-Bobby showed up to a recent work function.

"Think of how many times you've wanted to end it with him," Chiara says, looking a tad annoyed to even be talking about this, scripted as it is. "There's a reason for that every time. He can't keep coming and sweeping you off your feet."

"He wouldn't say those things if he didn't really care," Audrina Patridge replies. "There's something that Justin and I have that no one else I've met [has]."

Gag. Much more to come on The Hills tonight! Follow the jump for the clip ...

Defending Justin-Bobby

The Hills Recap: You’ll Never Have This …

As usual, our recap of The Hills will consist of our staff grading last night's episode, awarding (or deducting) points for the best and worst moments.

The gang heads to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, for a weekend of fun. Audrina Patridge is still drawn to Justin-Bobby, who is intent on being a free man on the trip. Back in L.A., Spencer Pratt treats Stephanie and her new boyfriend like crap.

On to the rankings!

The crew heads to Cabo in Doug Reinhardt's jet. His baseball career has apparently fizzled out, but who cares? Give it up for rich parents! Plus 3.

If you didn't think that Audrina Patridge had fake boobs before, this episode should clear that up. Those things are just unnaturally perky. Minus 5.

When Stephanie first mentioned Cameron, we thought it might be Cameron Brinkman - Laguna Beach Season 3 meathead! Not so. Plus 2, because that would've been so contrived, but Minus 5 because it would have also been hilarious to watch.

Always the mediator, It's Frankie Delgado who asks why Audrina's not talking to Justin-Bobby. Plus 1. Then Plus 5 more for Frankie toasting Brody as not only his best friend, but the best friend anyone could have. Give it up for man love and feelings!

Not digging Spencer's disappearing/reappearing facial hair. Minus 4.

As a birthday present, Doug Reinhardt gets Brody about a dozen bikini-clad chicks. Plus 4 for the effort, and Plus 3 more because both Doug and Brody dated Lauren, who's present for the spectacle, and none of the three mention this.

Obligatory Minus 2 for Heidi Montag's overuse of makeup and heels!

Not only does he get pissed about Brody, but during the big dinner with Cameron and Stephanie, Spencer asks about Doug, off-handedly referring to him as Stephanie's ex-boyfriend. Classic passive-aggressive d!ck comment by Spencer. Plus 10.

The tension between Audrina and Justin-Bobby was palpable from the start, but since he can't formulate a f*%king complete sentence and she's the world's worst communicator, nothing came to a head. That is, until he stole a flower hair thingy that Corey Bohan gave her and she stormed off. Are these two in third grade? Minus 8.

Plus 3 for Lauren Conrad being such a good friend and trying to talk sense into Audrina Patridge in a kind, supportive way. Minus 9 because Audrina's a moron.

TOTAL: -2. This episode of The Hills was thoroughly entertaining, but plain and simple, Audrina's inability to kick this loser to the curb kills it for us.

The Hills Preview: Justin-Bobby Tells Off Audrina Patridge

In the clip below, from tonight's episode of The Hills, Audrina Patridge cools things off (again) with on/off/loser boyfriend Justin Bobby.

The site of the fight is - where else - Cabo San Lucas, pool style.

After Justin-Bobby refuses to give back a flower he's taken from her, and presumably exhibits other douchebag-like qualities, Audrina storms off.

Justin splashes and spits water at her, and as Audrina Patridge departs in her silly-looking swimsuit, he taunts, "Tell your boy I said hi!"

Her "boy" would be Corey Bohan, who's also in Mexico, and who was involved in a love triangle with Auds and J-Bobby on The Hills last week.

Too bad we know who ultimately wins. Anyway, here's the clip:

Audrina and Justin-Bobby Fight

Justin-Bobby Overheard Denying Lauren Conrad Hookup

After rumors exploded that Audrina Patridge’s loser boyfriend, Justin-Bobby (real name Justin Brescia) hooked up with LC, both women spoke out.

On the Internets, of course.

This sparked a feud in which Lauren implied Spencer Pratt started the rumor, but also got pissed when Audrina intimated that she "did not know what to believe."

Patridge was similarly upset that Conrad did not talk to her personally.

But the person at the center of all this, Justin-Bobby, stayed out of it — until now.

In Touch Weekly reports the dirtball denied it, saying the hookup didn't happen.

The Hills' two-thirds gorgeous, one-third skeezy, non-love triangle.

“I never hooked up with her,” Justin-Bobby was overheard telling a pal at West Hollywood hotspot One Sunset on October 10. “It’s all for the show.”

Surprised? J-Bobby wasn't in the mood to talk about it for long. When others attempted to talk to him about the rumored fling with The Hills star, “he seemed annoyed that the topic came up,” says one onlooker at the club.

Even worse, he showed off his temperamental side: “And when a group of blondes tried to ask him about it, he threatened to punch them!”

Audrina Patridge Bikini Pics: Behind the Scenes

Not everyone gets to go behind (or in front of, or down on, or on top of) Audrina Patridge. That's strictly for Justin-Bobby. Or Corey Bohan.

But behind the scenes of her recent bikini photo shoot for Maxim? That we can deliver for you. And it's not a terrible consolation prize...

Mmm. Looks like a hot day ... and we're not talking about the desert scenery, people. Click to enlarge more photos of Audrina Patridge below ...